A decade has passed!?

2000

I spent NYE 2000 in a women's refuge playing monopoly.

I spent NYD traipsing across the country trying to get my daughter back from her father and his girlfriend (my x best friend). He threatened me with a knife, the police wouldn't do anything, I went home without her. I eventually got her back in February.

2001

Moved into one bedroom flat with Stylish, felt safe!

Had seriously scungy boyfriend with mostache. He used to abuse me and then cry when I got mad at him. Seeing tears run down his mostache was possibly one of the most pathetic things you could imagine. Went back to school to get my HSC. Set eyes on A in my first class, knew I wanted him all to myself when he started shouting about hating John Howard. Dumped scungy mostache boyfriend over the phone, for tall gorgeous one. Tall gorgeous one caught a cab over to my house ... and stayed. He's still here. He still hates the liberal party.

Grandpa died.

2002

Finished HSC with an average Distinction grade, astonishing really when we spent so many hours playing pool at the pub opposite.

Mum died

2003

Stylish started school. I thought it would be happy but it felt wrong for reasons I would not discover until much later. Tried so hard to be a good schooling mother - not sure I ever really succeeded. Attended a free course run by St John's Ambulance designed to help kids learn to read, really loved it! Taught Stylish to read because the school was failing. She went from bottom of the class to top of the next class in about a month.

Became an Aunty!

2004

Started to worry that x would kidnap Stylish from school. No law in the land would protect her from that unless I took him to court. Decided to take that option. Quit smoking dope.

Discovered that family court is one big masquerade, it's really FATHER'S court. Had first ever panic attack in mediation, realising that my daughter would have to spend far more time with her father than was actually beneficial to her. Cried. Felt powerless. Sucked it up.

Decided that I might feel safe enough to ttc, having discovered home birth. Discovered that when I had felt about my first birth was actually PTSD. Flash backs and fear subsided when I realised this.

Had first miscarriage.

2005

Court case finalised in favour of father's rights. Father sees Stylish regularly for the first time since we separated in 1999. Spends far too much time poisoning her against me and makes our relationship difficult.

Conceived Spikee!

Started studying News Media and Communication at TAFE.

2006

Told by numerous people that I would never finish my course because I was too heavily pregnant. Finished course 5 days after he was "due".

Had Spikee cut out. Discovered that it wasn't the end of the world, felt like big failure anyway.

Acquired a new niece 5 days later. Awwww!

Had our first ever holiday together. Met IL's for the first time, breastfed our way around Tasmania, had a ball!

2007

Breast fed 1yr old

Still struggling with schooling Stylish. Still not really in the swing of it. Heard about home schooling as a possibility but stuck to the old "I could never do that" mantra.

Completely by surprise conceived James. Scared shitless! Yes, vba2c happens, but does it happen to me? Planned freebirth because we were too poor to hire a mw.

Xmil - dear friend- diagnosed with cancer of the whole body.

Went on camping trip, Caught listeria.

2008

Breast fed 2yr old

The day before school starts, Australia day long week end, I give birth to my stillborn son, James. vba2c. I felt like the world ended that day. Seeing life go around me on is hard to fathom.

Planned funeral in a fog. Stylish wrote this for the Order Of Service

J ames was a very special baby

A s I laid my hand on his hand tears welled in my eyes

M y dear little brother, whom I will never get to know

E veryday I think about him and when I first saw him

S o special, like he was the only drop of water in the whole world.

She read it at his funeral, and I cried.

Longed for a new baby. Miscarried.

Lost beloved xmil

Pulled Stylish out of school, feel LIBERATED! no wonder I hated schooling so much! I was an unschooler all along and I just didn't know it!

2009

Breast fed 3yr old

James turned 1.

Lost beloved niece. Cried.

Longed for new baby. Miscarried. Didn't cry.

Conceived Angus, didn't dare hope. Didn't dare get attached. Held breath lots.

Went camping. Had fun!

2010

Breast fed 4yr old

James turned 2.

Still pregnant.

Too scared to fall in love with belly babe until BANG. Realised I couldn't help it. Consumed with quite a bit of fear, talk lots to wonderful counsellor and come to terms with it.

Have wonderful, blissful Blessingway! Feel so surrounded by love and get covered in henna!

Realisation: Can not guarantee outcome. Babies die. My baby might die. Find deep well of inner strength.

Buy house in Tasmania on crazy whim like thing! Do conveyancing from bed in Sydney, feet up, heavily pregnant.

Get more heavily pregnant.

Get even MORE heavily pregnant!

Nearly explode!

Go into labour. Have baby. Drink champagne and eat chocolate cake. Go to bed and sleep the sleep of the exhausted, wake up two hours later to gaze at sweet sleeping baby. Develop extreme addiction to gazing at small sleeping baby and breast feeding.

Move state.

Find self.